Let’s start with the joy. I have never known anyone to LOVE their birthday as much as our youngest son.

His happiness, excitement & wonder is contagious.

He can’t sleep for days in anticipation, he woke at 3.45am for present opening, every gift torn open with a gasp of delight and a “thank you, I love it!” - his usually unhelpful cranked up senses serving him so well here - he feels ALL of the happy feels (this lovely phenomenon is called Autistic Joy).

But this ‘Joy’ is a pre-meditated one.

Every present chosen, meticulously deciding (and ruminating) weeks before what is on his list, changing his mind, adding and deleting.

I think some of the joy of his birthday comes from the relief that all the ‘deciding what to get’ is finally over and he can crack on with thinking about Christmas.

But the rollercoaster really starts with the birthday party conundrum and the previous years birthday amnesia.

My son has never had a birthday party where, at one point, he doesn’t have an emotional meltdown. Knowing this trend, every year we go into the discussion of what to do with his friends with the objective of landing on the least stressful, less sensory overloaded experience (and looking forward to the day when we don’t have to have a birthday party at all).

But every year, our little boy just wants to do birthday’s like all his friends do. He seems to totally forget (a good thing?) the emotional onslaught of the previous year.

Remembering last year’s sensory tornado (a football AR experience), which saw me in the toilet calming my son down for 30 mins, this year we thought we had nailed the brainstorm. He would have his two best friends over for a sleepover and the next day we would simply play football with a few of his mates in the local park. A dear friend came and helped out, him and my husband created a pitch, I bought cake and snacks for when the game was over to have at home.

All good on paper.

The result, not so good. An exhausted, overwhelmed, burnout little boy who broke down in tears numerous time throughout the 2 hour gathering.

Less sleep than usual was our first mistake - a sleepover the night before, reducing his sleep to 6 hours rather than the 10 he absolutely needs - we should have eked out the birthday experiences over a couple of weeks

No ‘sensory rest’ -having his friends stay - and then straight into a party meant he had no ‘alone’ time for 24 hours - his social battery was on -100

No ‘control’ - you can’t control a football match - he was clearly so out of control at this point that the game not going his way sent him over the edge

Cumulative exhaustion - his birthday has gone all all week, but also he finds the summer term at school particularly challenging. The school timetable being more out of whack with trips and sports days and play rehearsals

Added together all these things made this year a particular tough birthday party.

The really sad bit is that my little boy feels such post party shame.

Every year he puts himself out there in a display of ‘birthday normative’ and every year he feels he has failed at his part, embarrassed by his tears, frustrated that his mask always falls off at this moment.

We obviously reassure him with all of the chats, tell him he has to own who he is, not be embarrassed, not give himself such a hard time - but we can see these words are not touching the sides, his self esteem shattered.

We work so hard at letting our son control his world - including his birthday parties, but next year I am going to take back a bit of that control as a sanity protection intervention.

Any ideas welcome.

But throw in the additional needs of an AuDHD kid (or any other type of neurodivergence or disability) and there is a whole other level of ‘you love him more than me’.

I have two boys. One 14 (undiagnosed neurodivergent, but def some signs of ADHD) and one 9 (diagnosed AuDHD).

And much to the 14 year olds dismay, we do treat them differently.

Because, as I say to the 14 year old, who forensically highlights daily sibling injustices, they are totally different humans with totally different traits, a 4 year age gap and very different needs.

Even though my eldest can be my best sidekick in helping navigate my youngest AuDHD meltdowns, especially around clothes (what to wear), there are just as many times when he deems the family dynamics to be ‘not fair’.

Much like any sibling relationship, the main two jealousy triggers seem to be:

• Attention (he gets more than me)

• Differences in discipline (I would never have got away with that)

Then throw in the general irritation of sometimes ‘not doing things’ because we are managing AuDHD sensory overloads, the mood navigating eggshells of living with a AuDHD child and puberty….. and there is no wonder their relationship is often on a par with Prince Harry & William.

Things that have helped.

• Validating feelings - “I can totally see why you would think we love him more than you, but…….

• Dividing & conquering free time - I take one kid, my husband takes the other

• Asking for help - I think my eldest secretly likes it that sometimes he is the only one that can interject a meltdown

• Praise - for ‘not’ winding his brother up

• Education - Regularly explaining ‘why’ we have to handle situations differently through the optic of an AuDHD brain

• Attention - making sure that the eldest gets some too

• Labelling feelings “I know you behaved that way because you are perhaps jealous, but…..

It’s not easy and most weeks a family ‘domino’ row will erupt, where the eldest has a go at the youngest, I have a go at the eldest for having a go at the youngest, my husband has a go at me for having a go at the eldest and then I need to go and lie down in a dark room.

But having an awareness of the dynamics at play from all sides definitely helps with hitting reset.

Until the next time.

It’s like the ‘ism’ that everyone forgot.

We are all over (well not all, but you know what I mean) racism, agesim, sexism - with our inclusive language & mindfulness of what we should & shouldn’t say.

Regularly educating our parents that “you can’t say that now mum.” because times have changed, diversity & inclusion is paramount, unconscious bias has regained consciousness.

Yet ableism is rife (or actually the term is neuroableism - I had to ChatGPT that, I had never heard of it).

“ He’s definitely on the spectrum” and '“She’s sooo ADHD” are still regularly used in common parlance as socially acceptable shorthands to describe negative traits of a personality.

(I am not ommitting myself from this btw, I too was / am guilty of such lingusitic shorthands to decribe people that are chaotic, late, loud, orderly, slow, awkward, picky - because it is SO NORMAL to do so).

But I catching myself and others.

I am so much more aware because I can see my little boy taking it all in.

Aware of his differently wired brain and then unhelpfully absorbing the negative tropes of how his brain is considered by society at large.

England footballer Lucy Bronze announcing her AuDHD diagnosis has been like a breath of fresh air this last couple of weeks, she hasn’t just chatted superpowers, she has acknowledged her 100mph brain & communication challenges, but she has also put her success down to, not despite of, her neurodivergence.

This shift in language makes a massive difference.

Her success because of her neurospicy brain.

Watching the football this week, my son said “That’s the autistic one mum’ - like he was proud that she was also in his club.

So like our consciousness around the language of age or race or sexuality, wouldn’t it be progress if we all became more mindful around our language of neurodivergence?

Or if we must use shorthands, lets use them to describe how creative, innovative, empathetic, focussed, visionary, productive, curious a person is?

The ADHCEO or the Moretistic footballer.

It starts with bringing the unconscious out of the coma.

So I am starting a little awakening.

Their sensory sensitivities, masking exhaustion & communication pressures mean that daily life is a lot more for them to process than the neurotypical.

At his worse, pre-diagnosis, my son was constantly anxious, having twice daily meltdowns which could last for hours & was struggling to do anything apart from the compulsory 6 hours at school (and some day’s, not even that).

We have come a long way since then with a combination of diagnosis, lifestyle changes, nutritional focus, SEN implementation and general acceptance and education….but I have one anxious eye on his mental health at all times, terrified that he will go back there.

This week (the irony, as referenced in my last post, of Neurodiversity Week), he has started to become unregulated (ND week has meant his routine has been out of whack with school activities, non-uniform days etc).

I can tell because:

• Everything really annoys and irritates him

• It takes him longer to fall asleep

• He wakes in the night and wants me to come into his bed until he falls back asleep

• He looks pale and tired and like a rag doll

• He doesn’t want me to go into London / to Yoga / out to dinner - anxious thoughts

• His emotional regulation is way out of whack - reacting monumentally to the very smallest things (I call him Jonny Drama. Helpful. )

I was reminding myself of autistic burnout and what to do from a couple of books and obviously rest, rest, rest is at the heart, so I thought to myself last night, I will give him the day off today, let him have a long weekend of no pressure, spoon building time.

As he woke and lay in our bed looking heavy I said to him “You know how your battery is a bit lower than other kids? I think your battery is actually super low right now and I can tell because of X, Y, Z - so if you want to stay home with Mummy today to recharge that battery that’s cool, I am working from home, so you can hang out here'“

He nodded, went downstairs and I could hear him talking to his brother sounding a bit lighter, he had breakfast and went upstairs as normal, got ready and went to school.

No mention of the day off offered.

I didn’t want to force it.

I think just having the potential of an ‘out’ took a huge weight off his shoulders.

Having the life jacket just made him worry a bit less about sinking.

Knowing that, if he needs it, he could ask for a day off and we would say ‘yep’ seemed to make him lighter.

(I am sure what will happen next is he will ask for a day off on the worse day ever, which will see my husband and I play that game of ‘whose job is more important’ - but we have accepted that this will happen, that his mental health comes first and and if does ask, that we listen).

I will let you know if the not forcing him to do have a day off was actually a good idea when he gets home from school 🫠.

But I have been pondering this week how the way my son’s school marked Neurodiversity Week is actually not that great for the neurodivergent.

If you go onto the Neurodiversity Week website, the awareness campaign is all about '“Educating” and “Acceptance” & “Celebration”.

My AuDHD son is 9 and his school have gone all in on it, assemblies, non-uniform days, activities.

In some ways this is bloody great!

Educate, Inform! De-stigmatise!

But in other ways, it feels how the school is celebrating is actually all geared around the neurotypical.

A slightly tone deaf display of inclusion that is actually pretty excluding.

For its not the busy little brains that need to be taught about their challenges in form time.

Its not the Autistic that need to be educated in assembly that ‘They don’t like bright lights” (true story as told by my son when he got home from school about what his assembly was about).

Its not my son that needs to feel the discomfort of being ‘othered’ inside when he already feels so out of place (another genuine emotion he expressed).

And non-uniform day is definitely not something designed to ‘celebrate’ an autistic brain (I have written before about clothing choice shit shows and the exact same thing has happened this week when his routine has been out of whack.

He actually moaned the words “I Hate Neurodiversity Week” 😭

This is why I flip flop on this - I definitely see the worth in awareness campaigns to build empathy and understanding, but inclusion needs to be at the heart.

What may have made it a little better…..

• Galvanising the Neurospicy kids and asking them the best way to celebrate and then using their choices to help explain different the Neurodivergent traits?

• A focus on the strengths….why didn’t my son come home talking about how Autistic minds are incredibly creative and analytical? Why did he come home talking about how they didn’t like bright lights?

• An understanding on uniqueness - NOBODY’S brain is actually the same, there is no such thing as a ‘normal’ so we are all actually divergent and this is how…

  I feel a bit of a Debbie Downer, but looking through the eyes of my son this week, he has not felt part of something that is meant to celebrate him - so off I pop to the school to give them a little bit of feedback 🤓

  They will love that.
  

A famous study from way back in 2011 on children with ADHD showed that after 5 weeks on an elimination diet (not eating gluten, dairy, UPF), 78% of the kids showed a reduction in ADHD symptoms.

The importance of omega 3 and choline is well documented.

Oily fish and eggs the holy grail of brain and mood health.

The rainbow plate and the need for plenty of different fruit, vegetables and seeds to support the gut microbiome is spoken about widely by nutritionists that specialise in Autism & ADHD.

And no-one needs to tell the parent of a neurodivergent child about the impact of sugar, additives and food colourings on their mood and behaviour.

I mean, just give them a Haribo & watch them climb the bloody walls.

And then totally crash.

But you know the absolute stickler with all this advice?

Kids with ADHD or & Autism are often fuss pots.

Parents often know what we need to feed them - but their wonderfully wired brains have some self sabotaging little neurons that often makes it very hard to put the advice into practice.

Beige food all the way. Not a rainbow plate in sight.

Because the simple process of ‘eating’ often comes with a whole host of sensory and processing issues that make nutrition and diet a little bit more complicated.

Things like…..

Avoiding foods like the plague because of texture or smell

My son will now eat eggs.

But it took 8 years.

BUT only if the yolk is not runny and the whites are crispy.

He CANNOT sit with his brother having a dippy egg, literally has a sensory meltdown where he dramatically heaves and is close to tears.

And god forbid if he see’s mushed up ketchup on someone else’s plate.

There are a thousand of these ‘food rules’ that we have to adhere to (we and he discover new ones every day).

Paralysis of choice.

Restaurants are a problem because of the paralysis of choice and the overwhelm and processing of decision making.

Add to that the pressure of ordering and communicating when the serving staff ask what they want and the noise and sensory stimulation and it’s the perfect stressy storm.

School dinners are not much better - pre-choice helps a little, but there is still lots of sensory shizzle going on in that dinner hall.

Comfort Zone Eating

If my son could have pesto & pasta everyday of the week, he absolutely would.

On holiday (out of routine, often already stressed with the lack of predictability) this is exactly what happens, he finds something he is comfortable with (nuggets) and has the same thing every. single. day.

So Rainbow Plate pushers, its really not that easy.

But there are a few things that we do to give ourselves some semblance of control and ensure he does not get scurvy and supports his brain (and therefore his mood).

We supplement…

We know our son isn’t necessarily getting all the nutrients he needs from his diet because, despite our best efforts, he is not eating all of the things.

We have researched and we supplement with the key vitamins and minerals related to brain health (Zinc, Choline, Omega 3, Vitamin D, Vitamin B6 & B12 and a probiotic).

Lots of people say to me that their kids wont even swallow a pill, we luckily don’t have this problem, but if we did, there are gummies and chewables and liquids available.

We also supplement Saffron, Lavender, Chamomile, Magnesium salts in the bath for anxiety and low mood.

They have been a game changer.

We are mindful of limiting the foods we know are not helping

I watched the great ADHD specialist and nutritionist Dr Rachel Gow speak at an event recently, she said the saying ‘everything in moderation’ is actually the worst saying known to man when talking about nutrition for the brain.

There are foods that are just not helpful and make life a lot harder for your neurodivergent kid and yourself, but societal pressures and the ‘oh go on, let him, its just a treat’ rhetoric makes it so hard to be the parent you actually want to be, without feeling weird and controlling and like you have to over-explain yourself to everyone.

I relate to all of this.

We are low dairy, its not an allergy so it slips in, but we do notice a difference in his mood (and his skin) when he is having Almond or Oat milk instead and isn’t eating too much cheese.

We tried gluten elimination - we didn’t notice much of a difference.

We try and keep sugar low.

Obviously he is a kid and we are not evil, but we don’t have lots of sugary things in the house, he doesn’t have cereal, he doesn’t have fizzy drinks, he doesn’t have sweets often.

Obviously parties and play dates and holidays and peer pressures are a pile in - but we know (and I think he knows) that we will all see and feel the negative consequences of the brain inflammation that sugar causes.

We let him eat alone if he wants to

Depending on the sensory trigger of other people’s plates - we let him sit on his own and eat if we wants to.

We listen to his food rules, but we also keep on trying.

We adhere to his food rules, even though its often a massive pain - but we also try and get creative with trying the same foods but in different textures.

I have also discovered that anything put with sourdough bread in a toastie machine seems to go down better - and grating veg into things like spag bol sauce where he can’t even notice is an easy cheat.

We also always ask him what will make something ‘more yummy’ if he says he doesn’t want it.

Things like he wont eat a Carrot, but he will when he dips it in peanut butter.

We have packed lunch.

He has the same thing every day. Soup and a bag of Kettle Chips.

We celebrate when he tries

He eats with his eyes - so we always celebrate the small wins of him trying something that he thinks looks gross (most things).

I started doing this with a home ‘blind taste test’ game show.

Gamifying it kind of worked.

(I have to get creative with my ‘prizes’ though which obviously can’t be ‘a massive bowl of ice-cream’).

We look at the menu before we go to restaurants

We don’t go much, but when we do, we pre-plan and pre-order and we often order for him so he doesn’t have the stress of talking to the grown up.

We try to not stress too much.

It’s not easy and I think without the combination of supplements and some food avoidance, I would be way more stressed.

But the food rules do seem to change - so keeping on trying the foods that have been previously been dismissed I think is important.

You never know, the beige may start to take on a hint of colour.

He hates it.

As do I.

I am all for sparking passion around literature, I am a creative, I love words!

But there must be another way that doesn’t have parents rocking in a corner, kids stressed and a million Amazon costumes in landfill.

My opinions aside, this is why the neurospicy often hate it at a neurological level and this is what we do.

Rejection sensitivity & people pleasing: Both neurodivergent traits - a fear of choosing the wrong thing, not fitting in, feeling silly and different can be totally overwhelming.

What if I turn up as Harry Potter and everyone else is Dog Man?

What if I turn up and it’s not World Book Day after all?

What we do: It’s so easy to say “just don’t dress up” .

Even the school gives the kids an ‘out’.

But this doesn’t help with rejection sensitivity.

Not participating makes them stand out as being different and standing out as different fuels their fear of rejection even more.

So we make sure we know exactly what his closest friends are wearing so that our son can make his outfit decision based on his hive.

His best friends mum is amazing at this, she gives me the heads up before I even ask.

Analysis Paralysis: - the lack of predictability and certainty (essential for an AuDHD to thrive) means that his busy little head thinks of every possible outcome - which is overwhelming.

What we do: We remind him of what happens every year, we show him the letter from school, we tell him what his mates are wearing again and again.

We ask his teacher what the plan is classroom wise.

We plan ahead and keep having the chat so that by the time the day is here, the plan is in his head.

Executive functioning & difficulty with decision making - difficulty organising thoughts & having lots of choice is the perfect storm.

Um, what shall I wear, out of all of the books in the land?

What we do: We choose the outfit before the book.

I know this is not in the spirit of World Book Day.

Its normally a football kit or a t-shirt & jogging bottoms or a t-shirt with a character on, which we then marry with a book.

This year he has chosen to wear his brothers Inter-milan football top and he is taking in the Atlas of Football.

Sensory overload: The feeling of a polyester costume, the increased volume of overexcited kids - its a lot.

What we do: We do not have polyester costumes.

We have some really subtle in-ear defenders called Loops - he hates wearing them as he says he feels weird, but on World Book Day, just knowing he has them helps him.

World' Book Day is tomorrow and it’s the first thing he has mentioned when he wakes up in the morning for the last 5 days.

Not because he is buzzing with excitement.

Because it is really, really weighing him down, and will do until he gets home tomorrow night knowing the next one isn’t for 365 days.

Same babes, same.

Although the formal answer to the question was ‘no’, we hadn’t been formally diagnosed - as the 3 hour assessment went on, a lot of the traits she was digging for, we started to recognise in ourselves.

There is a funny Instagram ADHD V’s ASD meme doing the rounds, where the super stereotypical traits of neurodiversity are shown through the lens of two dogs taking on an obstacle course.

The first (ASD) dog slowly, deliberately walks around the cones, not knocking any over, stopping, considering, getting to the end - but its painful to watch and takes bloody ages……then there is the ADHD dog, that leaps around, knocking over all the cones, completes the course super-fast with an hyper vibe and a wagging tail, but leaves a trail of destruction and knocked over cones in its path.

Literally myself and my husband.

My husband see’s ASD within himself as a child and an adult (I call him The Tortoise) and I see elements of ADHD in myself (He calls me “FFS will you close the cupboard door”) - so its kind of no wonder that we have a kid that is a melting pot of the two (and another that is more the ADHD type).

When I was little, I was super hyperactive - even in the “pop tarts for breakfast is totally normal” 1980’s, my mum knew to keep me well away from sugar and god forbid if I had an E-number.

I remember feeling ‘annoying’.

I fell out of the car aged 4 “playing with the door handle”, at school I was a fidget and a chatterbox, I did just fine as this was coupled with good girl people-pleasing perfectionism - but school reports are revealing of either “day-dreaming” or '“likes a chat”.

I was also a real worrier, or as my parents used to say I had a ‘vivid imagination’ - I remember praying every night with the Gideon bible (that red one you get at school) to stop any bad things from happening (I was not bought up in a religious household, these holy chats was something I came up with all on my own) and I always had to get to the top of the stairs before the burglar alarm beeped otherwise someone would definitely die (a touch of the OCD there?).

And even though I was a good student, I got banned from school trips by year 9 for impulsive behaviours (like getting stuck on a cliff in Derbyshire and jumping out of the boys dorm window in Paris).

Probably also a red flag - although remember this was the 80’s when girls ‘didn’t get’ ADHD - so actually no flags to be had.

I started to get panic attacks in my early twenties, probably as real life without the predictable structure of school, university began - I masked really well (apart from that time when a paramedic had to get me off the Bakerloo line) and did well at work (perfectionist) - although as I got more senior and work became more serious, I noticed that I could not get on board with the more ‘boring’ parts of my job.

I really struggled to engage stuff in stuff I was not interested in.

Like I was that 9 year old in maths wanting to slump on my desk with boredom.

But I couldn’t because I was the CEO.

(Luckily I am hyper-focused and hyper-productive in the things I love which overcompensates for Excel).

The thing about your own head, is you kind of think everyone has the same one.

I thought that having a million, jumping thoughts in 5 minutes was what everyone had.

I thought that everyone found it really hard to sit still, that my hyper-productive work rate was normal, that ruminating over an awkward conversation for hours was what everyone did and that criticism and rejection was something that everyone felt in their chest for weeks after.

(I knew that talking over people wasn’t normal though, I really can’t help that verbal impulsivity).

It’s not all bad by the way, I honestly wouldn’t change my brain - its given me a lot of ideas, won me a lot of creative awards and made me a lot of friends.

And all this wonky brain wiring experience is SO helpful for our little boy, because we get it and we can use it to normalise his experience…

• We can apply all the things that work to keep our brains on track to his brain too (the really not rocket science stuff, like sleep and nutrition and exercise and nature and screen time and talking and Headspace and gratitude)

• We can each relate to different elements of his strengths & challenges and reassure him that ‘yeah, I feel like that to’

• We can use examples from our own reality to spark conversations about his if we have suspicions that he has gone off on one in his head

• We can tell him he doesn’t have to work somewhere where he has to sit at a desk if he doesn’t want to

• We can give him a fiddle toy rather than a car door handle

• We can make sure he has an exit pass at school to run around the playground rather than hold in his fidgets

• We can defend his ‘likes a chat’ school report and explain that actually he can’t ‘keep it in’

• My husband understands his needing time and predictability and process and doing things a certain way - so we ensure this time and predictability and process

• I get that when something is ‘boring’ its actually SO painfully boring at a visceral level that yes, have a tantrum, I totally agree with the notion that fractions should be banned

My husband and I joke that Tinder should have a genetic profile just to make sure you know what your offspring are in for when you mix all that neurospicy DNA together.

We wouldn’t change a thing

But maybe the next business idea?

And that we all have little internal hedge-cutters doing topiary on our synapses so our brains don’t get too full and overgrown.

This is a thing called Synaptic Pruning.

And how effectively our internal hedge-cutters are doing their daily topiary can contribute to ASD & ADHD & AuDHD symptoms.

A hugely oversimplified version of this mind blowing clever neuroscience is this……

🧠 In autism, pruning happens less than usual, so the brain is actually fuller and keeps extra connections—a more tangled and untidy hedge - this can lead to sensory overload, deep focus, and strong memory but also makes switching tasks way harder (this explains SO MUCH and why my little boy complains his head is too full….it actually is too full, also give him two instructions at the same time and 🫠).

🧠 In ADHD, the brain garden is a bit haphazard & pruning can happen too much, too fast, meaning some of the hedge is removed too quickly, this can lead to difficulty with focus, impulse control, and motivation but also aids super-fast thinking and creativity (Of the two - I can relate very much to this, I am a super-speedy worker but and have zero long term memory - I think my brain gardener is over zealous).

🧠 In AuDHD, the brain has a mix of both:

• Some areas may be extra connected (making sensory experiences, emotions, or deep focus stronger and more overwhelming).

• Other areas may be under-connected (making attention, impulse control, or organisation harder)

(The one on the right is the ASD brain - as you can see - so many more branches!)

Although we cant directly change brain pruning - we can help to strengthen the important pathways (let’s keep calling them branches to keep with my Gardener’s World theme).

And sleep is the hero.

This is a such a hard one as often a challenge for the neurospicy, as the ND brain finds it hard to create enough melatonin - the sleep hormone - but there are ways you can help it along……

We have found a really predicable bedtime routine of:

A Magnesium Glycinate supplement (which helps with sleep regulation) - you can also have a magnesium bath if you kid isn’t a good supplement taker - as the magnesium absorbs effectively directing into the skin - Better You do good sleep flakes.

A sleepy smoothie (I think this has been doing the TikTok rounds, but I got my recipe from the amazing Brain Brilliance book by Lucinda Miller , an easy to read book with lots of really helpful nutritional information for Neurodivergent brains.

(Lucinda was also on the Happy Place podcast with Fearne Cotton which is a good listen).

The sleepy smoothie contains frozen cherries (cherries are effective at supporting melatonin production) and oats (which can prevent middle of the night glucose dips which can cause night time waking) - you can also buy cherry supplements if your child is not a fan of the fruit.

We also do a Headspace kids meditation (also lots of free ones on YouTube) and go to bed 45 mins earlier than ‘sleep’ time, knowing its going to take him a while to wind down.

Saffron supplement

Saffron (the spice and supplement) is A WONDER, I am discovering so much about this ingredient, there is lots of clinical research on its anti-depressant powers and support with sleep.

It’s even been tested against ADHD drugs with results showing its efficacy is comparable when it comes to hyperactivity (research study here)

How amazing is that please?

Lights off

Melatonin creation needs darkness - so get a small plug in night light rather than leaving the hall landing on / big light on / fairy lights - they really really don’t help if sleep is an issue.

It’s a process to wean off The Big Light, I have been there, but its worth it, we did it gradually - keeping the big light on, slowly closing the door inch by inch night by night - now its door pretty much shut with a very small night light glow.

And black out blinds for the summer - just get some temporary blackout blinds in a box as an easy, instant, stick on solution if you can’t be arsed with getting the drill out.

Gaming is a no-no.

Lots of research on this - no gaming after 5.30pm allowed in our house (I am apparently the “worst most strictest mum in the world” - but I don’t care)

Omega 3

Take a supplement if your kids don’t like oily fish like Salmon as its super crucial for brain health (a deficiency in Omega 3 can impair synaptic pruning and lots of other brain health things.

There is lots of research being discovered in this fascinating brain topiary space - I bloody LOVE the Embrace Autism website which teaches me new things always.

I have never once said the words ‘it’s so nice to be home!’

Instead, I have RightMove alerts for pretty much every destination I ever visited - just in case I ever have the means for multiple holiday homes.

My little boy however?

He HATES holiday’s.

I live for a change of scene.

He is happy with not changing his scene, ever, thanks very much.

For someone with an ASD brain which thrives on predictability and routine, the thought of a holiday is the exact opposite of a holiday to him (imagine that?).

Of all the ASD mothering empathy, I find this one of the hardest.

I really struggle to walk in his anti-holiday shoes.

But we have learnt little ways to make it a little easier (for everyone).

It starts with the booking process.

The slightest hint of ‘the holiday conversation’ and his anxiety & discomfort are loud and clear - agitated outbursts that he is not coming / that he is staying here / that he will go to Grandma’s house but nowhere else.

Pre ASD diagnosis / having some educated empathy, I probably use to tell him he was no anti-holiday child of mine and that he is lucky as millions of children don’t even get holidays.

Now I know this apprehension is all part of his process.

His brain goes into fight or flight mode at the thought of an unimaginable location, he over-reacts and this is to be expected - its just his wonderfully wired brain being a bit over-protective.

So I try not to mention holidays until we have A PLAN - that we can run him through, hour by hour.

I empathise and first remind him that his brain is going to get fizzy and its just protecting him as it likes to know exactly what’s going on.

We give him plenty of notice (no lastminute.com in this house) - we keep talking about the time of departure / how long it will take / what the accommodation looks like / the snacks we will take for the journey / the film we will watch / the things we will do).

And even though he still doesn’t want to go / does not want to talk about it - we know we are building the expectation foundations in his little brain to make the travel process easier.

He especially hates the airport bit.

If we are going abroad he hates the airport (busy / stressy / rushy), he used to get very teary / visibly stressed (I mean airports do this to me, so god knows what it’s like for him).

Last year, for the first time, we discovered the Hidden Disability Sunflower Lanyard - you can buy these from Amazon - they are worn around the neck and a subtle alert for airport staff to take special care of you - a well deserved, VIP status for someone with neurodivergence.

Just having the Sunflower access means no queues for bag drop off, security or boarding and quiet space to wait for your flight (and even have food delivered).

The Sunflower is even recognised globally

His older brother kept saying it was like holidaying with a YouTuber.

Even our little boy developed a celebrity swagger.

We have now also learnt the kinds of holiday that we will all enjoy.

Last year we had two ends of the good holiday / bad holiday spectrum.

Bad = Venice. 3-day break, no routine, busy, hot, loud, small family room, lots of walking, no cooking amenities so all meals eaten in restaurants (thank god there was Pizza - the only saving grace).

Good =Austrian mountains - We went to our friends apartment in a tiny mountain village in Rauris, sunflower lanyard, 2 weeks, peaceful, walks, swimming, eating in, predictable daily routine of swim in a lake / lunch / walk on most days.

This holiday saw a burnt out boy fully restored.

Venice ruined us all.

We have learnt now that he will never want to go away.

That he isn’t really himself for a couple of days until a routine has been firmly established.

We also have learnt that an easy option is going back to somewhere where we have been before, where the foundations of predictability have already been built.

Even though this isn’t ideal for the traveller in me, it makes everything easier for him, and that makes for a better holiday for all of us.

It’s been quite the journey mining the brains of all of the experts that have dedicated themselves to this field.

Not all of my findings have been applicable to my little boy, but knowledge is power and the more you know, the more powerful you feel.

(And the more you know, the more you can annoy all your neurodivergent friends with your interesting facts of the day).

Like, did you know…..

1. About primitive reflexes? And the fact that some of the behavioural and emotional symptoms that are associated with neurodiversity like hyperactivity, impulsivity, low mood, meltdowns are in fact down to the retention of primitive reflexes from when you are a baby, that you are meant to grow out of?

   And that there have been lots of examples of kids who have gone through ‘neural stimulation’ (basically reflex exercises) who have dramatically reduced their negative symptoms?

   Watch the Amazon documentary Attention Please and learn all about it - we had our son’s reflexes checked and his were all fully developed, so not a pathway for us - but I know others that have really seen the benefit

2. That there is OODLES of research on kids gut health and the influence of the gut microbiome on the severity of neurodiversity symptoms? If your kid was not breast fed for long or at all (no shade, my son was only breastfed for a month) and your baby was not born vaginally (again, my son was born by C Section) these can negatively impact the development of diverse micro-biome in the gut and therefore impact brain health / severity of ND symptoms.

   Also, antibiotics or anaesthetic in early years can also play havoc on the microbiome (our son had Bronchiolitis at 6 months with antibiotics. he also had a hernia and went under a general anaesthetic at 2 years).

   Basically it sounded like our son’s microbiome was royally ruined, so I embarked on improving it with dietary support (fruit / veg / avoiding ultra processed food / reducing sugar) and introducing a probiotic supplement that contains Bifidobacterium.

3. That inflammation is a thing and research suggests that some of the mood health symptoms of Autism & ADHD go hand in hand with inflammation in the body?

   And that there is a school of thought that believes there is a link between inflammation of the body and depression? Inflammation can be supported through dietary changes (Mediterranean diet) and adding anti-inflammatory ingredients into diet such as Omega 3 rich foods (fish, eggs, walnuts - or we also take an omega 3 supplement).

   Also avoiding ultra-processed foods is key here - my mum is OBSESSED with the Yuka app (an app that scores food / beauty products on health impact) and goes around my kitchen cupboards scanning all my bar codes whilst I roll my eyes - but lots of things I thought / or were marketed as healthy, were absolutely not (and I thought I had healthy eating nailed).

   It’s worth reflecting on some of these things and gauging whether they are applicable to you too - I have been amazed at how impactful things like diet can be on moof health……

No Calpol equivalent.

No care plan.

I don’t know exactly what I thought would happen following the diagnosis, but I definitely didn’t expect to have so little follow up information or advice.

Not ideal for an action orientated person that likes to ‘fix’ everything.

And definitely not ideal for the little, burnt out little boy with a busy head and raging anxiety that was asking us ‘so what now?’.

So, to put some semblance of control around a world that felt totally out of my control, I threw myself into learning everything there was to know about ASD & ADHD.

I read books, I listened to podcasts, I joined webinars, I went to conferences - I made neurodiversity my full time job (along side my actual full time creative agency job).

I didn’t want to change our son, I wasn’t trying to find ways to make him neurotypical or cure him - but I 100% wasn’t accepting the apparent inevitability of a mental health crisis that came with all depressing internet descriptors of ASD & ADHD.

These were our immediate game changers.

The things that over a couple of weeks seemed to make a big difference to his low mood and burnout.

Normalise their diagnosis

Name it, explain it, talk about it, find celebrities, mates, sportspeople that share their wonderfully wired brains, talk about their strengths but also be empathetic to their challenges.

Its not all superpowers, it can be really tough to be in their head and they need to know that you really understand this too.

But I think having a name for the brain they have always known is different is a helpful start - and a relief when they know that now we understand the engine, we can better drive the car.

Educate those around you.

Not everyone’s understanding of ASD / ADHD is the same.

Not everyone has made it their full time job.

I often felt gas-lighted when discussing diagnosis, like no one really believed us, because our son wasn’t Rain Man (80’s film about an autistic genius for those under 40) and had mates and could hold eye contact.

And he had nailed masking.

It felt like it was just us that really saw the real him.

As I became ranty and irritated with people’s ignorance (normal setting) - my husband calmly reminded me that I could only get ranty and irritated if everyone’s knowledge base was the same to start with.

Then if family or friends still made annoying comments like “there are too many labels these days” then I could legitimately go into my ranty mode.

So I wrote a loooong email to all our family (and a couple of friends), explaining everything, showing off my new PHD level knowledge, telling them what they didn’t see, educating them - so they could walk in his (and our) shoes.

I got lots of thanks for teaching them stuff they just didn’t know

And I became slightly less ranty.

Talk to the school

Our school is super small, so without a formal Educational Care Plan application (the complexity of which I understand is an absolute shit show) our SEN (special educational needs) quickly put into place a couple of really helpful measures which were low impact / admin for them but high impact for him.

Push for this.

Sensory breaks (the ability to ask for 10 mins time out from a busy classroom), also instigated by the teacher if they can sense struggle.

Social stories (pictorial / descriptors of an upcoming day when they are going to be out of normal school day routine / going somewhere new so they know what is coming).

Seating plan (moved to front of class, away from main hustle area of classroom)

The main problem we have is that our son masks so heavily and doesn’t want to be singled out as being different - so confidence building to sound his overload alarm is something we are working on with him and the teacher.

Spoons are not just for pudding

Spoon Theory is a clever way to help articulate & therefore manage energy levels.

Coined by Christine Miserandino, it is a way to help people to understand your unique energy levels.

(I understand that Christine had Lupus - not ASD - but it’s a theory that has been quickly adopted by the neurodivergent community).

The theory goes that everyone starts the day with a certain number of spoons, each representative of a unit of energy.

The key point being that many Neurospicy brains have loads less spoons to begin with (less energy reserves) and also expend more spoons more quickly than a neurotypical brain (sensory and processing overload).

For example, say our little boy wakes up, having slept well - he is feeling pretty good, “I have 10 spoons today mummy'“

But…..

It’s non uniform day at school (always tricky) just getting out of the house / deciding what to wear, having a meltdown - 5 spoons (unpredictable, out of routine, difficulty with decision making).

Entering busy, loud cloak room at school - 3 Spoons (sensory overload)

Class room environment - 10 spoons (lack of movement, noise, bright lights, constant communication with others).

Lunch hall - 10 spoons (loud, smelly, bright)

And so on and so on.

So when our little boy got home from school at 3.30 - he is is minus a thousand spoons already and can be easily mistaken for a rag doll.

Not wanting to talk, looking pale and much like he has just come out of a washing machine.

In desperate need of recharge.

Recharging for him is being outside, kicking a ball on his own in the garden, rolling on a Gym Ball (this calms the nervous system), eating something healthy immediately (dates & apple and peanut butter) sucking his toy giraffe’s ear (this is called mouthing, the sucking motion for him is calming), watching repeats of Netflix kids TV shows.

(He would also say gaming, but I am not so sure - I keep this to a 3 times a week, 2 hour limit as I think his low mood / emotional behaviour after a Roblox session is a sign of even more sensory overload).

We don’t even try and chat to him now.

We don’t take it personally.

We leave him be - and when he is ready to chat, he does.

Go easy on the extracurricular.

Not sure what your community is like, but where we live, the extracurricular ‘norm’ for a child is wild, even for a neurotypical.

We quickly realised that the swimming, cricket, football, schedule was probably not helping his lack of spoonage.

We cancelled most things, apart from his twice weekly football which he loves.

Freeing up hundreds of his spoon deficits.

Listen when they don’t want to do something.

The other big immediate change we made was simply listening.

All the times our little boy had said he doesn’t want to go to the cinema, theatre, restaurant, theme park, party, friends house, we realise now, was a cry for help, a red alert of his low spoons that we didn’t understand and instead just got really frustrated by.

Now we listen.

Its a compromise, we often have to divide and conquer as a family (one stays home, one goes out with the eldest), but our fun can be his kryptonite - you wouldn’t make someone with a broken leg go for a run - and the same applies with busy, burnout heads going to the school Christmas fair.

I think the combination of these things worked immediately as our little boy was constantly in a state of red alert, knowing he had to constantly ‘show up’ in our neurotypical world which he found exhausting.

Know he knows that we know - he has more agency, he is less stressed, he is less scared, he has more spoons.

For 3 hours.

My husband and I were grilled on all elements of our son’s life from 0-8.

Privileged because we could afford to test him privately.

We didn’t have to wait in the 2 year waiting list (something I think about a lot and one of the reasons behind this newsletter).

As she spoke through the questions (some of which were expected, some of which we were strange), most answers were yes.

Yes he liked playing on his own, yes he had sensitivity to clothing and textures, Yes he mimicked adverts on the TV, Yes his empathy was off the scale, Yes he liked a routine, Yes, he noticed and retained insane little details, Yes he didn’t like meeting new people, Yes he hated busy places, Yes he had regular, huge, emotional meltdowns over seemingly small things where he would shout and cry at himself and us. Yes he knew more about football than anyone we had ever met, Yes he was born by C section, Yes he had always ‘sucked’ things, Yes he regularly had low mood, especially when he got home from school or had lots socially going on. Yes he was insanely creative and seemed to make sense of the world in a way that regularly had us looking at him in awe, yes he had a lump on his finger where he held his pencil too tight.

Then it was his turn…

We told him why we were going.

I have friends who have gone through this process who were advised not to discuss it with their child, but this just didn’t feel right.

How could we hide the meaning behind such a strange encounter - especially to a kid that notices everything?

We told him that we were just checking how his brain was wired.

That we just needed to see if we could help his brain be less like London.

That we thought he might maybe have a neurospicy brain, but that this was nothing to worry about, because so does Lionel Messi - and once we knew, we could help.

He actually seemed really relieved.

Like at last someone was going to do something.

A kind lady with a fork, a train and a washing up sponge did the assessment - she would go on to use these random objects as her props, to see how he played, to see if he understood emotions, to see what made him tick.

Before the assessment had even ended she mentioned she could see his little ‘mannerisms’.

I didn’t know what she meant.

She was referring to the way he crossed and uncrossed his fingers continuously under the table.

I had never even noticed.

I had never looked so closely at his hands to see that he had torn skin on every fingertip from his constant finger crossing friction.

Now I know, I see it all the time.

But god, the guilts.

How could I not have noticed?

AN ASD & probable ADHD double whammy.

That was the diagnosis.

She communicated this to us in the room and then followed with a detailed report which put all of our little boy’s quirks onto a scale of ASD traits.

Gave him an ASD score of 83/150 (anything over 76 is given a diagnosis).

The only test where you are looking for a lower score.

The thing I have learnt the most in this process is that even though assessment marks on a scoring scale, ASD isn’t really a linear spectrum.

Its more like knobs on an oven.

Depending on the trait, your temperature knob can we turned up to super high heat or super low.

So for sensory differences he was at boiling point but for communication & play, he is a low heat. So high on the spectrum for sensory overload, low on the spectrum for communication.

Nothing was a surprise and having the knowledge felt powerful.

But we had very little information on what to actually do next.

That’s the thing with ASD diagnosis - you then have to basically figure it all out yourself.

But that’s why I am writing this.

To save you all the hours we spent.

Right from birth, he hated being in the buggy, didn’t like getting dressed, was a fusspot with certain foods and had a mad party trick propensity to find Where’s Wally on a page before he could even talk.

But, he was meeting all his developmental milestones, talking, smiling, playing - we just thought be was perhaps a bit more ‘high maintenance’, a bit more sensitive than his older brother, the orchid to the dandelion.

Everything was kind of OK, until he was 8….

We had unconsciously adapted as a family to his little way’s, we didn’t really see them as a big ‘thing’, only really noticed when we were with other families, that he seemed to get overwhelmed quickly, was quick to cry, wasn’t a fan of a birthday party and would regularly take himself off for some quiet.

We had normalised that he would go into meltdowns whenever it was non-uniform day at school, or if his daily routine went a bit adrift, it was just his mood setting and we were used to it.

When he changed schools it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but we had a house move to add into the mix - and isn’t it always a nightmare? Don’t all kids cry at the school gates for weeks on end and are absolutely knackered when they get home?

Then his world started to get a bit smaller….

It didn’t happen over night.

It felt gradual, but he started to not want to do very much at all.

Going to school was do-able, but meeting friends at the weekend, going to parties, attending clubs, eating at restaurants, going on holiday - all the normal fam things for him seemed like a step too far for his drained brain battery.

Then he asked when the pain in his chest would go….

He said it was always there - never went, but often got worse.

My tummy lurched and my heart broke as I immediately went into ‘ OMG you have anxiety, let’s fix you’ mode as every good, over-parenting, can’t bear to see my kid sad, millennial parent would.

We tried a kids CBT programme, it helped a bit, but things still felt wonky.

It felt like he was surviving not thriving.

Then in the space of a few days, it all came to a head

We were watching a BBC TV show called Operation Ouch and there was a little segment about Autism.

There was a little boy, sat in a park with a set of volume dials, showing Dr Xand how his world felt more loud, more ‘turned up’ than other peoples - they had a little, really quite stressful simulation of what it was like to live in his head.

My little boy looked at me and said ‘that’s what it feels like to be me Mummy’.

My brain hurt as every single one of his little quirks came into my mind.

He couldn’t be Autistic could he? He has friends! He doesn’t like Maths! He holds eye contact! (and a million other misinformed, ill educated. stereotype following feelings related to my limited knowledge of neurodiversity).

My head feels like London…

I did nothing with the information. Temporarily ignored his seek for understanding.

Scared I suppose. Didn’t really know what to do next.

Talked it out as being ‘strange’ with a few friends, bought a book on Highly Sensitive Children - thought that’s probably more it. Definitely not Autism.

He came into our bedroom one morning looking sad.

My head feels like London mummy, how do I make it stop?

Then one day he just froze.

It was normal day, I was dropping him off in the school playground when he was in year 4 and he just froze in the playground.

No tears, no shouting, almost like his brain had left his body.

Now I know he was in burnout, 8 years of a masked life had tipped him over the edge.

I didn’t have any tools in my over parenting tool kit for this one.

I didn’t have a book.

As I carried him home and he took to his bed like a little old man, my husband and I talked in hushed, panicked tones….what was wrong with him - was this a GP thing?

The next few weeks it was like he was a zombie…

I called a friend who had an older son with ASD to chat through the fears I could no longer silence, the things that I felt dramatic saying out loud.

“If you have met one Autistic person, you have met one Autistic person’ she said.

So much said in so few words.

I didn’t have a clue about ASD or neurodiversity, but I knew that I had to find out very quickly so I could find the tools for my little boy to thrive.

Busy Little Heads is the weekly writings of a ‘probably ADHD too actually’ parent who has absolutely gone off on one trying to find natural lifestyle solutions to help manage the mood health of her neurodivergent family.

Sharing the bits that have made the most difference for me, so you can try them too.

Inviting people with open minds.

People that regularly say the words “that all sounds a bit woo-woo’ need not apply 😉.

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